Hurt Me
by DahliaASant
Summary: Albedo recalls the past with Rubedo and Nigredo, from the Yuriev Institute to his contimation by UDO at the last moments of his life.
1. Prologue

This is a multi-chaptered fanfiction, centering on the thoughts and emotions of Albedo and looking more into his past before Xenosaga Episode 1, focusing especially on his descent into mental breakdown. This is only the Prologue, which I sort of scribbled together only today, so I guarantee it will get better as the story progresses (meaning have mercy on me!). I'll most likely be editing it soon, as I'm not very satisfied with it...also...telling me what you think is very appreciated. 3

**Hurt Me ****  
****Prologue**

You aren't the only one with two hearts, Rubedo.

You forget again, like you have forgotten me.

I carry two of those resonant burdens within my hollow chest; one is missing, the other physically intact for a lonely eternity. Thousands upon thousands of painful years lay for me in the future, staring down at your dead carcass beneath my feet in days to come, watching the bone-metal disintegrate into whitened dust, the blood dissipate within the cold hands of Time. Thousands upon thousands of echoes within that beating vessel, tormenting me in my sleep, in my cowardly lifespan; I can hear it now, its horrific beating like a drum to my dead brain.

_I cannot hear you_, I want to say.

Rubedo, I cannot hear you. I cannot even hear myself; that weak, fragile weapon screaming within the chambered nautilus of my artificial mind. I am gone, but the body remains-sin to the untainted living.

I want nothing but death. You know that, brother.

You aren't the only one with two hearts. Have you truly forgotten, or do you just want to teach yourself to forget? It is our taboo, the tie that binds us; that destroys us and defines us, shapes our useless existence as weapons of warfare into something more.

We share the pain. We share the suffering.

We share the insanity.

You aren't the only one with two hearts, Rubedo. It's just that mine belong to you, fully and completely. I've given myself to you years ago, while we were young; while we were so seemingly innocent. As innocent as a nuclear bomb in its production phase; as indestructible as a grenade that has not yet been pulled. You had my _heart._ You had _my soul, _beating forever within your ribcage. And I had yours.

Yet you wrenched it away. Even after the fluorescent bulbs beat down upon us, melting our conjoined bodies from one physical being to two separate, dysfunctional pieces of a united vessel. You stole my ability to _survive_ in this damned world with your words, flowing from your lips like toxic. Your lips that I would like no other but to tear apart with my vengeful hands, to rip at the jaw and gouge with my rigid fingertips. To taste the bitter blood of those loveless lips, those lips that I so wish to kiss. Those lips I have wished, in my undying dreams, in my laborious life to love me, in the way that only yours could; utter those few words that would bring me back to you, back to myself.

But you forget, Rubedo. Like always.

To think us U.R.T.V.'s, marionettes of human combat, were designed to be flawless. It is ironic, isn't it? Ironic that the embodiment of destruction cannot be destroyed; that the monster will breed on its blood like a parasite of death.

Ye shall be as gods.

I am Albedo, the White One-so pure in production, in the immaculacy of my appearance, I became blessed-no, _cursed_- to watch this lonely world for eternity. To watch the humans thrive, their fated cradle-curse as they continue their innocent lullabies until the Eternal. Mortal folly, to rise so virtuous and fall from the Heavens, damned by the God that created you.

Laughable, if it were not so tragic.

Rubedo, number 666. At times I wonder if we were inverted at birth; for I was the Fallen, after all. You are the High and Mighty Michael, your body gleaming in sickening virtue-concealing your wrath for the sinners, hiding your nightmares in your bullets. Condemning me to Hell; casting me into those flames of the Unknown.

I can see those days, clear as gems within my muddled mind. I can feel the fabric of your uniform, mechanic prisoner, as I clutched frantically to your body, fear engulfing me, even stronger than the waves of U-DO. I was on my knees, praying to the unhearing Christ, to Salvation.

How could I be the only one to regenerate? To heal those deliciously rippling wounds upon my body, breathe to life the dismembered pieces of my flesh. It was a gift, at first-the thought of never feeling, the terror of death was delightful, because as a child I harbored such frivolous fears. Yet what elated me even more than that fact was the thought of being forever entwined with my beloved twin, with _my_ Rubedo. The future was to be a paradise; free of tears, of training, of U-DO. Yet that moment came, with your cold, cold eyes, the feeling of hope collapsing in my mind, of dread filling my being like the requiem to a dream.

"You're the only one who can regenerate!"

The only one. Your words a poison to my soul. You will never fully realize how you affect me, Rubedo-how you shaped me at that moment, how you always will.

"Rubedo," I begged.

Tell me it was a dream. A bitter nightmare, product of false data…fluxes in the system.

In my unbeating heart, you smile and hold me, tell me it was a joke; a silly child's act to rile me up.

Yet reality is never so kind.

You break me instead.

Every single time.

Every beating of my second heart, the drip of every tear of blood in mourning for my forever. I couldn't bear the thought of your death-we are the almighty marionettes of Satan, the heavy number 666. I am your other half-how can you die without me? How could you _leave_ me?

I can still hear you scream, brother.

In every slice of my flesh, every impaling of my body-the beautiful symphony of roses, bloody petals falling gracefully from my prickled flesh-

Sometimes I can hear you scream.

Maybe that is why it gives me such pleasure. Touching what I can _never _have-the cold, unfeeling Body of Death-my wounds tease me; make me yearn for that beautiful crescendo of Time where I am bathing in a garden of my blood, when I am truly with peace.

But peace will never come. You made sure of that, my darling Rubedo. If I had found my condemnation crippling; the feeling of loss at never being by your side forever, of never being complete again, it was you who truly broke that sacred connection. With your beautiful cobalt eyes boring into my shattered soul, spiteful and indignant. How I want to rip those pretty lashes, tear into the sky-filled irises and dash your brains out with my bare hands. How I wish I could latch onto those flaming locks and destroy you, utterly and completely, absorbing you into my being until we were one yet again; until you were no more, nothing more than the answer to the ache within my heart.

Until I wouldn't have to see you die unless I did the doing.

Yet you are pathetic. A fool, a child controlled by your precious little emotions; your simpering, overbearingly human thoughts and thirst for virtue that defines you as a complete and utter failure. At times I am disgraced to be relative to such a lowly monster; at times I envy being chained to such a pure, unblemished creature. Yet I know that only you can bring about my death.

I want you to kill me, Rubedo. I want you to give me that pleasure of Death that only you may give; with your wings beating down upon my heart, destroying me fully and completely. I want to Fall again, to feel the burn of loathing in my heart, to feel the blood and know it will never end. I want a fountain of scarlet, of blood painting roses in my brain, overwhelming beauty of my prolonged demise.

But you forget, Rubedo. Like always.

That is why I will teach you.

Pain through pleasure, pleasure through pain.

Make me feel like you know I am _alive_ again. Accept the thought that I can die.

Hate me.

Lie to me.

Hurt me.


	2. Chapter 1

**Hurt Me ****  
****Chapter One**

The first I had heard of the almighty U-DO was shortly after my physical conception, and our separation. I had been so new to that strange world-the frightening masked faces looming over _our_ body as they untangled our tranquil hearts, the savage darkness a constant companion as it devoured us. But you, Rubedo-your fear was never there. Attached to your throbbing insides, I felt rivulets of terror rush through as their scalpels drew near to summon us to the world, as they gouged our blood and severed flesh-yet you never screamed. You refused to be merely human, even at the moment of birth.

But my cries echoed throughout that Intensive Care Unit, shattering glass, piercing the darkness in frightened desperation for a way to end the pain. Their fingers poking and prodding-raping my innards, clutching at our heart. I recalled lashing out in protest during that process, fearful and indignant and refusing to be pulled from my sleep with you, brother. I was stable within the darkness that had engulfed us for so long-so different than the darkness of the Yuriev laboratories we had been thrown into, bathing in warmth instead of detachment. Yet they thrust me outward with their prying hands, striking my body and nearly strangling me to introduce me to this world, this gallery of horrors.

I felt you near me, Rubedo, even then, your child's cries and the waves of our species ricocheting madly in the laboratory, off of glass and plastic, the scalpels that tore at my body like fire. I didn't want to become part of this strange time; I was afraid, afraid of nothing, afraid of everything that would be offered for me in such a foreign place. I remembered kicking and screaming like a mad animal as they pulled me into existence, yet you were silent-accepting.

Perhaps that is truly why they named you Rubedo. Acceptance, aware of your life in this damned world.

They had injected me with needles, those men that had ripped me from the womb, over and over until I was senselessly numb. I suppose that, when you are drugged and a newborn child, you may see many apparitions within the chasms of dreams you call sleep. Yet as I fell to sleep, the darkness dissipated all around me, the familiar dreg of comfort that I had enjoyed within my conception.

And then there was light.

My first dream was of that orange radiance, its immense power and enigmatic heat swirling about me in caressing waves. It boasted a supremacy, a superiority that drew me in deeper than any drug that could quench my newly found senses-and I came, in that very moment, to recognize it as something sacred; something sacrilegiously beautiful.

I can't describe that moment. But when a child-human or animal-is born from the womb, the first person they see they are rumored to brand as their mother. Not the first person in plain sight, but the first they truly see-

And I saw U-DO in those strange dreams within the laboratory. I did not realize it yet, of course.

My comfort.

My soul.

My destiny.

Years passed, locked within the Yuriev Institute's premises like baby birds within a cage. Nigredo, Rubedo and I, all of us the superior beings to those beneath the rank of 666 explored the buildings and every inch of the outside world. Soon we came to learn our origins by the lab-coated men as explained to be "human but with something special," though none would agree to elaborate further on the matter. I thought they took joy in watching us wade in our own childish fantasies, unaware of our true purpose. We floated like angels in our naivety; never knowing our heaven was Fallen.

I came to love nature as a child within the Institute, every aspect of the floral gardens that gleamed like gems within that hidden world. Every night I would catch firebugs between my pale hands; their incandescence shining stares between my thin fingertips as if they were lamps. I learned the route of the rarest birds, the cardinals and even the doves that flew gracefully throughout the air in pilgrimage to the warmer worlds. I would awe the lab-coated humans by my knowledge obtained from merely observing them-obsessed by their beauty.

"You must be like that dove," They would tell me, the scientists that caught me staring dreamily out at the whitest of birds, "You are Albedo, the White One. You will learn to be graceful and pure like that dove, obeying and serving."

As I came to hear those words more the older I grew, 'obeying and serving' implanted itself into my mind like a constant mantra, curiosity growing within my young logic as dam to the overflowing of happiness in my young years. I foolishly disregarded it after days of contemplating what they had meant by "obey and serve," regarding it as perhaps the frivolousness of a human joke. We were U.R.T.V.'s- "human but with something special," as they liked to say. We would never serve them in our wildest dreams! Surely they had been joking, an effort to make us laugh, to make us fear for no reason. 

Why is it that we fail to see what lay plain and simple before us?

As times continued to pass, I found myself running across the emerald fields of the garden with you, Rubedo, basking in the warmth of the sun that so resembled the orange light that had comforted me at my birth. You were smiling, laughing, as we raced across the tussock grass, struggling to overcome the other; frail Nigredo playing as the stern but grinning scorekeeper.

"There's no way you can win, Albedo!" You screamed, panting and giggling, your feet crunching the grass before you as you ran faster than the morning wind.

I laughed with you, joy filling my heart until it exploded, "No way, Rubedo! I'll always beat you!"

Out of breath, our hair slick with sweat, we were evenly matched in our speed, bare feet wet with dew, legs pumping in the attempt to outdo the other.

"Don't bet on it!" You suddenly screamed, and with a great long leap from our neck-to-neck position, you dove towards the finish line-a great, artificial willow tree that leaned crooked and bare before us-and I rolled into the grass, laughter ringing in my ears as I clutched onto your ankle and heaved a sigh of contentment.

"Well, we clearly know who won today's match," Nigredo declared loudly, swinging his short arms before him to cross smugly in front of his chest, "Rubedo, I congratulate you! Nice try, Alby."

I smiled up at Nigredo, one of the widest smiles I had ever given in my childhood, and let go-rather reluctantly-of your ankle. You stared at me quizzically for a moment, before suddenly embracing me completely and so tightly I almost squealed as we hit the ground together, our hands digging into the dirt below. Nigredo's chuckling echoed throughout the air shortly before he joined us, falling upon your back and causing me to yelp in surprise by the excess weight. 

"Brother, you're hurting me!" I protested, as you leaned forward and rubbed your fist across my head,

"Oh, shut up Albedo, you know you love the attention."

Above us, the black-haired sibling sighed, resting his head upon Rubedo's shoulder, "You two just keep on bickering like this forever, don't you? What about brotherly love, hm?"

"No way!" Rubedo's face took on a mockingly disgusted look, as pink tinted his cheeks in embarrassment, "In love with Albedo? You're sick!"

As he said this, he struggled to wrestle Nigredo off of his back, who simply chortled and elbowed him in the neck until he cried out in playful discomfort,

"I didn't mean it _that_ way, Rubedo! Looks like someone needs to get his mind cleaned and pulled from the gutter!"

I found myself blushing madly at the look of adoration in Rubedo's eyes as they locked with my own, at the fierce devotion in those sapphire orbs. I wanted to capture that moment forever, the embarrassed compassion reverberating from his being, so much like the comfort of that orange light I had experienced in my first state of panic. Those were the only two things that could ever bring me peace, and the only two that ever would; especially you, Rubedo. Especially you.

Our moment was broken, however, by the sound of footsteps ricocheting loudly across the garden floor. It was a strange phenomenon, that noise; for none were ever strong enough to be heard on the soft patches of artificial grass in that beautiful void.

We never knew it would be our paradise lost.

We had instantly heard those footsteps, even from countless feet away. Nigredo's senses had caught it first, as his jade eyes rose almost immediately towards the noise disrupting our peace. Rubedo followed suit, apologetically shaking his gaze from mine, as I watched the figure approach with my limited sight from the dew-emblazoned ground. It was a man; I had soon found out, dressed in an ebon lab coat-rather strange in contrast to the pure white shade of all the other kind employees we had met-his eyes just as dark and just as harsh.

All I could remember of his features were those eyes, a soulless abhorrence that bore into me as if they were struggling to engulf my very soul.

Instantly I felt myself beginning to shiver, as if I had sensed something very disturbing about this man, and clutched instinctively for Rubedo, who had gotten onto his feet with Nigredo and were slowly approaching the tall, slender male. I was still on my hands and knees, crawling like a frightened creature behind my brothers; always the fearful and anxious Albedo.

"What are you three doing out here at a time like this? You know this is the time for training, not for playing!"

Confused, we stared in unison at the pale, stern man before us who watched us indignantly, a tone of impatience in his hissing voice,

"I thought all U.R.T.V.'s were instructed to come to training!"

I peered out from between my brothers as his hardened glare fixated on each one of us, as if he were staring at our souls. Struggling to fight the instinctive flood of fear, I muttered in my best tone of voice,

"W-What do you mean? We don't do training!"

You nodded fiercely in agreement, yet Nigredo watched, silent as ever. A look of bewilderment suddenly swept across the strange man's face at my outburst, and then focused quite exclusively on Nigredo. As if it were never there, the confusion was replaced by amusement, and he shook his head and chuckled,

"You must be the _wonderful_ U.R.T.V.'s Mizrahi informed me of! Well, I would have never guessed they would be so rude, so dumb and rebellious! It looks like Yuriev's got a lot of work cut out for him in making better models."

"Models…?" You staggered backwards for a moment, offended by that man's words, "We're not models. We're human beings!"

"Human…?" The enigmatic male's voice faltered, uncertain.

"That's right!" I cried, standing now t give you aid, "Rubedo, Nigredo and me! Humans with something special, like everybody says!"

This seemed to amuse that cold man more than ever, for his laughter had suddenly spouted into a fountain of mirth, so loud and cruel we three were forced to shut our ears. Even Nigredo appeared mildly frustrated as his hands clamped over his ears.

"You all think you're _human_? That must be the saddest thing I've heard all year. That is why most weapons have no hearts!

"Come on, old man!" Rubedo screamed impatiently, clutching his fists and gritting his teeth, "We _are _human! Our purpose is to live!" 

"Purpose? Your purpose is told to you in training, weapon! You want to know the purpose Mizrahi intended you to have, instead of that little simpering excuse for a _purpose,_ trying to imitate a _real_ human? Report to the east sector of the Institute grounds in ten minutes, or never learn what you _really_ are."

With that, his thin frame slithered away so quickly he may have disappeared altogether in the cold air. We stood there in silence, aware of what had happened, yet unaccepting. Nigredo merely heaved a sigh and stared out at the expanse of trees where the man had stood, yet your face was convoluted in uncertainty.

"What did he mean…?" You murmured softly, staring down at your tiny hands, "…weapons?"

After a moment of silence, I realized what had caught your eye. It was the number branded at birth; our birthmark, our death mark.

666 shown in its gleaming scarlet, almost manically within the tangerine sunlight. 667 beckoned to me, winking maliciously and stabbing me with confusion. As Nigredo's eyes hovered upon his own markings, I wondered if that man's words were true.

"Only one way to find out, isn't there?" You asked us-you asked yourself.

I nodded, struggling to give you a comforting grin-but it was lost by the wind-

Lost, like our humanity.


	3. Chapter 2

**Hurt Me ****  
****Chapter Two**

We called him the Teacher.

That was the only name the black-coated man would let us use. The Teacher, with his cold demeanor and ruthless words had given us a harsh introduction to "reality"-and I _loathed_ him for it.

The East Sector of the Yuriev Institute was a place of derelict buildings and an open expanse of endless miles; perfect for combat. We stood there, the three of us, before our six hundred and sixty-five siblings, their cropped blonde hair and blue eyes devoid of all life. I didn't liken to them the moment I saw them- marionettes with invisible strings, puppets in the hands of their creator.

"Addressing U.R.T.V.'s of rank 665 and below!" The Teacher's soft-spoken yet horrifically strong voice bellowed, a crescendo of whispers in the cool air, "Please assess your duties and goals in your field!"

In a moment the U.R.T.V.'s seemed to hum to life around us, the three of us huddled close together, my hand clutching desperately onto yours, Rubedo, as the noise became unbearable. I soon realized that awful, monotonous buzzing was _speech_-they were _talking,_ their voices in such a monotonous, childlike drone it was as if they were humming to an imperceptible psalm in the sunlight.

"Rubedo, I'm scared…" My lip quivered as their mottled words persisted, quick and chaotic and filled with utter discord.

Nigredo backed away from the circle of U.R.T.V.'s engulfing us, fear in his eyes; and I knew why, for I felt that same terror in my own heart. But Rubedo, you stood in perfect harmony, watching patiently the disturbing scene before us, utter silence in sharp contrast to the clamor around us. All the while I could see the Teacher's sharp eyes emerging from the side of that circle of droids, as if he were swimming in the metal hum, conductor of that perfunctory symphony.

"Do you hear them? Do you know what they're saying? Can you _comprehend_ them?" He walked towards us slowly, his long coat billowing in the wind, and I dropped to my knees and struggled to pull myself away from the circle in fear.

As I listened, I understood that terrible drone; those robotic beings speaking all at once, stating their purpose in plain, soulless words. Rubedo, you stood there listlessly, blue eyes poised towards our brothers with a look of utter hope and concentration. I cringed and struggled to go back to you, my hands clutching desperately onto your pant leg, unable to comprehend the look in your eyes, to see how you remained calm through all of this.

"Rubedo!" I cried, "Rubedo, what are they saying? Rubedo…help me!"

The Teacher's chuckle overpowered the mindless droning of the robotic symphony, as he neared us with a look of amused disgust. Rubedo, your gaze shot towards me like fire, burning me with the sudden spark in your cerulean orbs. I saw anger, I saw disappointment; everything but love, everything but the compassion I needed, the sympathy I desperately wanted.

"Albedo, can't you listen! This is what we've been waiting for! Our purpose! Some sort of meaning to all of these years."

I drew back, as if I had been stricken by his cold words. My eyes widened and I wrapped my arms around my frail body, feeling unwanted, lost within the mechanical groans of the U.R.T.V.'s, the amused gaze of the Teacher, the irritated eyes of my brother himself. The cold air closed around me in a dome of isolation as the mumbling of the drones suddenly stopped, and I was left with my head against my knees, my arms around my legs as I struggled not to cry.

"…Our…purpose?" I sniffed, the inevitable downpour of tears attacking my composure, "But…our purpose was…was to…"

"To _live_?" The Teacher's hissing voice interjected, and he stepped forward, his shadow consuming me, causing me to whimper, "Silly child, you are meant to live for one reason only; to combat U-DO! You are the anti-existence!"

"U….DO…?" My lips were dry, shaky as I muttered that forbidden name, curiosity forsaking my confusion, "What is…U-DO?"

Rubedo, your gaze was so bewildered, so filled with perplexity. I wanted to take your arm and force us out of this place, far away from the East Sector. But the lifeless droids continued to stare at us, their innumerable gazes a dull cobalt aura of misfortune, surrounding me and making my insides churn.

Would we end up like these mannequins, void of all emotion, void of all purpose?

I refused to believe they had purpose in this place; refused to believe that I would share this useless goal to achieve in my life.

U.R.T.V. We are U-DO retro-virus units, designed to protect humanity, to serve as vessels of warfare against that Unknown entity.

That was what the Teacher had told us, in all his painstakingly fierce words, cutting us like daggers. I lay against the metallic walls of East Sector, trembling and watching Rubedo and Nigredo join the ranks like dutiful soldiers, the strings of humanity coiling around their fragile necks.

I refused to be one of those walking corpses, those artificial clones of our humanity. I didn't want a purpose; my life, those blissful years sacrificed to obey and serve the universe; the throes of human creatures who sought to rule us.

"Albedo?"

Nigredo's voice was soft and tainted with worry, his footsteps ricocheting across the metallic floors. He stretched an arm out, gingerly, to pull me near him, near the circle of assembled U.R.T.V.'s-those soulless, mindless creatures in false flesh.

"Albedo, come on," He urged me gently, his kind green eyes imploring, persuading, "Let's just get into formation…and learn how to train. How to live up to our purpose."

"I…" My lips pursed together, endless words caught within my throat as I struggled to make sense out of what had just occurred.

But at the sight of you, Rubedo, walking amongst those countless, identical soldiers in their artificial glory-with your ruby mane and sapphire eyes like gems within the dust, I shook my head and growled.

I was no robot.

I was no drone.

I was human.

I was more than human.

"I…I don't want a purpose! We're human, Nigredo! We're not alive to die! We're not!"

The tears fell like rain, my voice a thunderous scream in the dead silence of the Sector, "We're not…_we're not!_"

A mantra I would repeat to myself for eternity, as Rubedo and Nigredo forced me to become one with training. Each day passed like an inauspicious blur, honing our skills and combat strength to battle this entity none of us could define, none of us could imagine.

But of course, I was isolated. The lesser droids, their tongues forked and hollow, whispered of my rebellious nature; of my refusal to accept my destiny, my purpose, my meaning of existence. Yet I forced myself to continue because of you, Rubedo; because of the confidence you held, because of your gentle words and goading and dedication to the cause. You were my bridge; you were my cast, staunching my wounds of solitude, of chains to this consistent duty.

We were branded as monsters, a demonic trio of rebels to the lower models. Yet I would never realize how true this name was, until our first experience with U-DO. It was inevitable by our excessive training; but destiny never alters its course.

U-DO.

That was the name that fell upon their lips, tainted with fear-and something else. I could see from the reflection in the Teachers' glasses, even in the ricocheting, glazed eyes of those mindless droids that came before me, the look of raw, unsatiated awe. Rubedo, you hunched yourself over that yawning cavern, your innocent eyes widening in a look of terrified curiosity. You could never understand the powers of that entity that lay beyond the depths of this dull, carbon world; even now, as it is filling my veins with its unimaginable power, I can still see your tiny, shivering frame at that very moment with our first encounter with a simulation of that great force.

It is the only thing I think you fear. You tried so hard to be the perfect brother, the ideal companion; putting up a shell of stoicness and even detached compassion as you struggled to be the superior one of us both. But I knew, from then and forever, that you feared U-DO with every fabric of your being. Of course, people fear the unexplainable, the unimaginable; why then do people continue fearing phantasms, poltergeists, the Zohar itself? But this is our purpose. The purpose of the mechanical soldiers, us marionettes of warfare, to channel this entity and rebuke it for the sake of the pathetic, lowly humankind that exploits us with every breath we take.

But of course, I too, was afraid. I could recall the cold wrapping around me like heavy robes, my hands going numb, my body twitching as I gazed down upon that boring hole with you. It didn't seem real at all; my mind strained to comprehend what lay beyond the dead expanse of that fissure within the earth, besides that all-consuming darkness. At first I saw nothing, though the very thought of U-DO was enough to frighten me-it was as if a human had been told they were to face the purpose of their lives at that very moment, the deadly and overbearing reason they were created.

If you failed to live up to your purpose, would you lose your life entirely?

It was seeing you, Rubedo, with your horrified pupils expanding in the ever-growing darkness, struggling to regain your composure around the calm and collected, lesser mechanoids around us that I began to realize the meaning of fear. Fear is seeing the weakness in your supposed loved one, and seeing my brother, the backbone of my very spirit, my other half, caught within a comatose of paranoia brought my bones to a chill. You kept me stable; you were my foundation, and seeing you shivering, muttering to yourself like a helpless child made me realize how powerless I would be against this force we were training to fend off.

"Rubedo!"

I shouted for you, feeling the pinpricks of weakness against the rims of my eyes. It persisted as you turned your head to face me, pooling about my lashes until I could feel the moisture embodied in tears caught within my throat. Your gaze was full of such flaw, brows knitted in a look of pure helplessness that I wanted to hold you and yell at you all at once, comfort you but scold you, as you were the strong one between us. You were the one to comfort _me_, the one to keep me in line as I struggled with my weak logic to survive in the world.

Yet you shut your eyes and scowled beneath your breath, discomforted by the fact that such a thing could bring you fear. The U.R.T.V.'s around us gazed with stoic, lifeless stares into the yawning hole before us, Nigredo's ebon locks flowing calmly in the wind as he stood in formation with the others, ready for training. But I was on my knees, huddled nearby you, Rubedo, clutching your shoulders and pulling myself near to embrace you.

"Rubedo, you're strong. You're supposed to take care of _me_, Rubedo! I need you here!" My voice quivered with weakness; disgusting, human flaw.

Your eyes still shut so adamantly, your stubbornness began to show as if it were an overbearing aura. I held you close to me, reveling in the feeling of your warm body against mine, the feeling of us one again; the comfort of the days before conception, before this strange and frightening world. And at once you, too, relaxed; you too felt at peace, until the beating of your heart against my chest caused me to shudder and sigh in my newfound tranquility.

The answer to the aching in my heart.

But all good things never last.

Suddenly your scream pierced the air, followed by a spray of scarlet that tainted the ground. All around us, a growl emanated from the depths of the hole, reverberating in the training grounds. It shook at the foundation of rock and metal, a rotting odor seeping within the air, intermingling with the stench of your blood. The U.R.T.V.'s appeared tense but ready, yet I could hear my screams in my ears as I clutched your fallen body in worry. Yet you pushed me away within a second, your grip strong and stubborn and all-too righteous, trying to appear confident as the Teacher scowled above us. I realized that he had been the reason for your injury, for he grinned beneath his wide-rimmed glasses, his fingertips coated with the metallic scent of your blood.

"You metal heads are to get back to formation at once! The simulation U-DO waves are about to appear; can't you hear it surfacing?"

A look of shame on your face, as you hung your head, scarlet locks falling to form a veil to your emotions. At once rage filled me like a flame, roaring and vengeful for your pain. I brought myself to my feet and, clenching my fists, glared up at the Teacher,

"Why would you hurt Rubedo like that? Don't you dare touch him ever again!"

At first, the Teacher went completely silent, gazing at me for what felt like an eternity. I stood there, adrenaline pulsing throughout my veins, your heavy breathing against my legs like an injured animal pressing me on. I could feel the first traces of U-DO's rays emanating from the ground, heated coils that groaned against the earth and baked it with its power. At once, the Teacher tensed, his arms uncrossed from his chest, and in a moment he had recoiled and stricken me hard across my face.

The blow was so powerful it sent me reeling backwards, feet away from the hole at which I had stood, to the clusters of buildings beyond. I hit the metal ground and let out a piercing scream as my body came into contact with the metallic spikes of the Sector's borderline, the cool feeling of blood pooling below me, liquid that sprayed across my face and coated my neck like a second skin. My flesh was like butter, melting and cutting across the sharp metal it had come into contact with.

In a moment the world was caught in a blur; the cruel, unforgiving world that brings forth men like the Teacher, makes brothers afraid, makes others bleed. A world with U-DO whirled around me, caught in a dreary daze as I began to go numb all over.

The Teacher's voice was a lullaby against my dying senses, as darkness began to overtake me, and I began to grow cold.

"There is no time for this," He hissed, "We need double effort to keep U-DO at bay, now that that little U.R.T.V. runt is out of the picture!"

Out of the picture.

The mechanical laughter of the U.R.T.V.s, their inferior numbers. Nigredo's waves of worry pulsing throughout my heart. Rubedo's heartbeat, strong and frantic, begging for my good health, for my life, as it resonated against my compressed chest. I could no longer breathe, no longer speak; the metal was sinking so deeply into my being I could see it protruding from my chest. I was dying.

And then there was light.

A scarlet vapor filled my vision, gave me clarity. It condensed and slithered smoothly throughout the air, the coils of a tempting serpent, wrapping around me, breathing into me. I could feel its heated pulsing within my mouth, slithering throughout my body, into my bloodstream. I was burning. I was weightless; I was _free._

In a moment I heard the droning voices of the mechanical children, the angered screams of the Teacher. Almost as quickly as it had blurred, my vision sharpened-as if I were back to normal, as if I had not been harmed at all. The red vapor had disappeared completely, replaced by the panicked cries of the Teacher and those mechanical dolls that struggled with all their might throughout their training. Something had gone wrong; terribly wrong, and yet I did not know what it was.

That was when I realized I was no longer bleeding. My body was aching, yet the blood had disappeared as if it had evaporated into the air; but none had noticed, for they were at that damned circle, struggling to recover from their efforts of overtaking that invisible force. I slowly pulled myself from those spikes that had impaled me, feeling their sharp surface slither slowly from my body as if my intestines were being pulled from my stomach.

"Al-Albedo!"

Rubedo was running for me, your eyes tainted with worry, panting and sweating and nearly collapsing near my trembling frame. I was in shock; why was I not dead?

Why was I alive?

I had evaded my purpose, hadn't I?

The Teacher had nearly destroyed me.

Why, then…was there no longer any blood? Any bruises?

"Are you alright, Alby?" You asked me, your voice tender, concerned.

Gasping for breath, I nodded, watching you. Tears soaked your clothing as you leaned forward and brushed your fingers against my hair, against my tattered body,

"Why…he didn't…" Your voice choked, caught in your mind as you struggled to take in what had occurred, "…didn't hurt you?"

"No," I lied, my eyes burning in relief you had come for me, "No…but…what happened with…"

"U-DO?" You asked, and shook your head, fiery locks caught within the wind as you struggled to help me to my feet, "We subdued him…without you."

Without me.

Though I was satisfied in the subdued pride in my brother's eyes, happy he and Nigredo were able to prove themselves just as powerful, just as worthy as those sullen mechanoids scattered like dolls nearby, a wave of disappointment filled my aching body. It caused me to shudder; a feeling so strong you held me close with a gasp of worry.

"What…what…" My lips were burning, lustful to produce words choked with longing; words I knew I should not utter, for the sole fact that they would disturb you.

"What is it, Albedo?" You asked, shaking me gently in your arms, your voice begging, pleading, "Do you need anything! Answer me, please!"

You were impatient now, cross with me, your beautiful eyes narrowed; a mother who would slap her injured child even as she struggled to recover.

Pathetic.

"What did it look like?" I murmured softly, filled with a sudden loathing at your burst of anger towards me.

Instantly your eyes narrowed, and you hesitated, loosening your grip on my fragile body. The shadow of those mechanical dolls, the U.R.T.V.'s, began to loom over us; ominous playthings of the human race, staring with a stoic indifference as they passed us by on their route to the Institute.

Anger filled me almost as sharply as my anger towards you, Rubedo. You were a convoluted enigma, myriad of broken emotion; from joyful to filled with sorrow; comforting to resentment.

Yet those droids, those lesser beings to us; they walked as if they had never encountered an U-DO simulation, as if they had never panicked in their effort to subdue it. They walked as if they had just been born, just been introduced to the world; metallic suckling of the art of stoicism.

Did they have no emotion?

Did they have no fear?

What was wrong with them?

What was wrong with _me?_

"Are you listening to me, Albedo!"

Your voice cut across my mangled thoughts like a sea of clarity, causing me to sigh and come back to that feeling of bitter cold, wrapped within your arms. The wonderful warmth I had felt when I was with you had dissipated; that comfort at being reunited with your body. Now it was a void, a crevice that ached to be satiated-and that vision of the boring hole I had peered over played within my mind like a tantalizing fruit begging to be picked.

"Albedo! What did _what_ look like? What is wrong with you!"

You were growing hysterical. I held an arm up, pleading with you, begging you to calm down. And you did, almost immediately; extinguishing the flames of rage that had become part of your being, Rubedo; your essence. You drew a long sigh and stared, apologetically yet with reason, into my eyes.

"What did…" My body was freezing in your grip now, detached from you. All I could feel was my longing for that warmth; for that light that had once again filled me in my time of need, "…What did…U-DO look like?"

My lips rounded as I said that sacrilegious word, tongue caressing the bottom of my teeth. Every syllable of that name was like savoring something divine; a deity that we respected yet loathed for its immense power. Simply saying that name gave me warmth; I found myself wrapped within a blanket of heat at the very thought of it.

Your eyes narrowed once again, questioning, interrogating my own violet orbs; as if you were searching for something you wished to never find locked deep within the depths of my heart.

"U-DO…?"

The name passed in a blur against your lips, fast and hateful, as if it had raised you; as if you had learned from experience to despise it.

I nodded, yet your grip on my body tightened; wincing, I glanced up at you to find your eyes hardening, untrustworthy; flabbergasted with disbelieving confusion,

"Come on, Alby. Don't fool around like that! You almost _died,_ but you're willing to ask about something like _that_? You'll see it simulated when we train like this again next week…I think we overdid it, trying to subdue U-DO, because we may have damaged a few particles of that simulator…"

Your bragging, pride-filled voice caused me to growl in frustration. You could never accept the fact that I was curious about this force we had been created to destroy; this force that, without its existence, would have never brought about our own. Upon hearing my disapproving snarl, you went silent and glanced at me curiously, your eyes a contaminated refuge of innocence,

"Are you sure you're feeling alright, Alby?"

You cocked your head, running your fingertips over my body, at the shredded clothing, bewildered to find no scars, no markings tainting my alabaster flesh. Your hands were as cold as ice to me. I whimpered, pulling myself away from you-to your amazement, to your stunned silence. My hands clutched the ground below us, as I limped away from your crouching figure, towards the dead hole that had erupted that scarlet apparition precious minutes ago, tears welling along the corners of my eyes.

"Albedo! Wait!"

Your voice was hurt, resonant with frustrated pain as you got to your feet and began hurrying after me. Sensing your footsteps before they reached my ears, I panicked; I got to my shaking feet and ran, my body piercing the bitter air, towards the desolate vestiges of the Sector; towards that hole that had been calling me, replaying within my mind like a vision of sanctuary to all my fearful desires.

I was still a child; I was filled with hopes and dreams like the pathetic human dreg I had so longed to be. I felt that if I had thrown myself into that hole, embracing some form of U-DO, perhaps I would no longer have a purpose.

Perhaps I would be free.

"Albedo!"

Rubedo, your voice tore across the ligaments of my feet like a dagger of emotion, begging me to stop, to listen to you. Pleading, wanton for my heart; for my soul to become yours again. Tears tore at my eyes, scattered like rain against my cheeks as I bawled into the air, screaming, my tiny body rushing towards the looming hole, begging to be thrown into it, to be saved; to be free.

It never occurred to me that I could die within that cavern, that any harm could have come to me if I had thrown myself down, hundreds of feet into that crevice.

The Teacher's words came back to me; a broken record, a dying dream.

_You have no purpose, no mother, no true father-do you think you were born human, the regular procedure, to the smiling face of a nurse? No! You are a monster, a monster that none will love, none but those whom you serve. Those who you serve and obey!_

"I don't want to serve you! I don't want to obey! I want to live! I want…"

I could see inside that hole now, its darkness overpowering, begging me to enter it. The heat of those scarlet tendrils filled me like a hallucination; I wanted U-DO to come, in all its glory, to consume me, to take me. I wanted anything but this mechanical purpose; to destroy what could forsake my loneliness.

Rubedo's footsteps were suddenly behind me, fast and desperate. I screamed, bellowing senselessly, muttering angry cries out at nothing, out at everything as my limbs suddenly refused to let me plunge into the hole that lay only feet before me. But then my body lost all its sense, as the sickeningly sweet stench of U-DO; of that haunting apparition, that mere simulation, filled my nostrils, caused me to weep and moan and stretch my arms out to my salvation.

"Mommy!" I cried, "Mommy, take me! Mommy!"

"Albedo, no!"

Your hands around my legs, crippling me, devouring me. I fell forwards, my head and hands dangling despairingly over the cavern that I had sought to become one with. I was sobbing senselessly now, my tears falling like scattered tempests into the depths of the abyss, tainting my cheeks, the salty taste against my tongue. I was trembling, struggling to push you away from me, my hands digging against the insides of that cavern, pounding at the soft earth, pulling myself towards that inviting darkness.

"Let go of me, Rubedo! I want my mommy!"

"Your…Albedo, _what's wrong with you_!"

You were crying too, now, tears trailing a river down the ocean of your eyes, shaking your head in disgust,

"Albedo! He hit you too hard; you're not thinking normally! Albedo, calm down!"

"No! I'm thinking fine, Rubedo; can't you see, they're lying to us! We're being used! We're being…"

Strong arms pulled at my sides, cold and unfeeling, hands that dug into me like knives. I whimpered and writhed in the grip of those countless fingertips as they dug into my flesh, pulling me forcefully away from the hole I had been so close to dropping into; dead and unfeeling, nothing like Rubedo's.

"No!" I begged, pleaded to everything in this damned universe, "No! Don't take me away! Please don't!"

I turned to those hands that were clasping my back so firmly, gasping in surprise; in undiluted terror. It was the soulless gazes of those innumerable marionettes, their blue eyes cold and glassy and spiteful as they tore at my clothing, forcing me away from the training site, from my peace.

"Let go of me, you monsters!" I cried, kicking forcefully at the head of one of the stoic models, which responded with the piercing of its knife-like fingertips into my ankle, dragging me by my side against the metallic debris of the ground.

"Our purpose is to be the anti-existence to the unknown entity known as U-DO," A mechanical doll droned, staring right through me as it spoke, as it dragged me, "Our purpose is to combat that entity with the risk of death in that very same combat."

"Our purpose…it's to live! Can't you see that! We can't be ruled like this! We _can't!_ We're human! _Human!_" I begged them, I begged myself, I begged you to believe it; this plain and simple truth that bound us to endless lies.

Rubedo, you walked by them, your head hung low as you peered out at me through your worried gaze. All the while I screamed and cried, tortured by your subduing; by your refusal to aid me, as these mechanical dolls seized me across the barren earth, away from U-DO, away from being freed of our purpose.

Once again, the cold shrapnel and spikes of the earth tore at my flesh, filling me with a sweet pain that distracted me from my mourning. I succumbed to it; gave into the feeling of my bitter blood rushing throughout my brain, traveling in tears down every fabric of my freezing, dying body.

The Teacher's voice rose in clustered crescendos against those of yours, Rubedo, struggling to explain, to give any sort of sanity to what had just occurred.

"What happened here! What did that malfunction do!"

"He…he said…he said…"

"Said _what!_ Answer me!"

"He said that he wanted his mother! He said his mother was inside of that hole! He said…he said you were a dirty, rotten liar!"

"I must have hit the poor boy too hard! Well, he will be suspended from training for a month; to recover…perhaps those U-DO waves were interpreted by some of you droids as the real ones, hmm?"

"Don't treat Albedo like a robot…"

"What was that? A _robot_? What are you, you useless vessel, to reprimand me? I _have_ a mother, you slime! Albedo is a bastard child; from beginning to end."

But this is the end, isn't it?

As I succumbed to the pain that bloomed within my heart, within every particle of my body, I felt the heat of the flame that had seduced me from the very beginning; those scarlet tendrils wrapping around me, welcoming me to sleep-to healing.

I will not falter.

The end of the beginning.

The beginning of the end.

And then there was darkness.


End file.
